A Morning Run

“I went for my long run at Lick Creek this morning in a brisk 29 degrees which made for a chilly first mile.

The joints were a little achy and each step was as stiff as the next but we persevered.

Mile 2 is when everything starts working.

The mind, body, and spirit all start to flow and come together.

This was a no phone, no music or podcast run which I am appreciating more and more as I continue to run more regularly.

I can engage in conversations with myself and through the solitude that running brings, work on areas of contention.

I tried something new towards the latter half of my run.

I talked to myself.

Out loud.

It was uncomfortable yet freeing at the same time.

Many of my thoughts never get any breath and simply stay locked inside my head.

Sometimes they make it out onto paper but those thoughts don’t feel as raw and personal as spoken words.

You can’t edit or take back spoken words.

They’re out there in the world now.

I was always a quiet kid, silently observing, taking it all in.

Talking was typically the last thing I wanted to take part in.

Unfortunately for myself, it is quite an important skill that I need and while I have made tremendous strides in working on my speaking skills and trying to be more social, some work is still in order.

I thought speaking out loud while I ran would be a great way to sit in the discomfort of saying what was on my mind and giving life to my thoughts.

It was quite enjoyable, somewhat empowering, and while I spoke, the phrase “Practice leads to permanence, permanence equals progress, and progress is the ultimate goal” came to me.

A little corny but It brought me some clarity.

It made me feel something.

It felt like progress.”

The writing above is an entry I wrote earlier this week after my long run (60-75min) that I typically do on Sunday mornings. These runs, I try to do without any audio like I mentioned in the entry. The goal is to slow my thoughts down, pick out the things that I have been thinking about on a recurring basis, and just sit with them (or in this case run with them). Let them marinate and ask myself why that’s been on my mind. Does this thought bring me joy, anxiety, gratefulness, maybe confusion? Where does it come from? If it’s a negative thought or something that is rooted in fear (which it usually is), is it out of my control?

I try to get to the root cause.

I was always a quiet kid, silently observing, wondering how it all worked as I mentioned in in the entry. I’ve always been someone who asks a lot of questions, and even now, I still do—sometimes even when I already know the answer. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s a lack of trust in myself—or maybe it’s something else entirely. I tend to explore a lot of topics at a surface level, picking up a basic understanding of many things. But when I focus and apply myself, I can usually figure things out pretty quickly. I like to take things seriously. Hobbies, school, work, relationships, writing, podcast listening. I find joy in the seriousness and being good at something.

I was taking my thoughts seriously on this run. I just wanted answers.

Reading this entry made me reflect on the fear I feel when it comes to speaking my mind or articulating my thoughts. I worry about saying something that doesn’t sound ‘smart,’ and that fear holds me back occasionally. I want to feel confident in my ability to express myself, but the fear of judgment from others often lingers in the background. I understand others opinions often don’t matter. It’s easier said than done embracing that.

There’s also the question of purpose—a question I’ve been sitting with a lot lately. What is my purpose, or what is my calling? After this run, and for now, I feel like my purpose is to progress. To me, progress means gaining more knowledge, exploring my curiosities, and broadening my worldview. Continuing to ask questions, observe, and take it all in. Having a bias for action.

Like many things in life, confidence and purpose are both works in progress. Things that I can build over time.

I’ll leave it at that and wish everyone some peace and purpose. Thank you so much for reading.